That Floating Poo Was Way Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the past year, a handful of series stand out not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that left us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with woeful writing, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third season started, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the final series. It ended on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, viewers certainly had a hoot picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a small sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was almost the smallest of this drama's problems. The recipient of a very rare no-star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin listing the flaws. The laughably leaden dialogue? The tedious glorification of wealth and materialism? The seemingly wilful parade of cliches? Performances so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Let’s just say “each and every one” and never speak of this series again. Except, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and parental shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d truly have known it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but dismissive narcissist.
The Iris Affair
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy characters convening in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
Actually, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the embarrassment of having to indulge baffling accents. But there were many other issues. Primarily that it was just really boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London picaresques which felt rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into quaint homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine animated; a meme for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, sentimental platitudes and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by immense, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to explore them. Instead, the experience was like consuming a marketing brochure. She obviously has good reason to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How do you succeed a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke milked to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar irate mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality notorious for sexual exploits as she prepared for her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater interrogation of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero critical analysis of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.